Why is it that harsh words hurt so bad?
[Time to read: 7 minutes]
If you’ve ever heard harsh words or read nasty comments about you, you might know what I’m talking about. Harsh words hurt!
For example, if you’re active on social media, it’s possible at some point that someone may have commented on one of your posts in a way that may have upset you. People can say harsh words – unfortunately, it happens.
In this blog I’ll share an experience that I had after hearing words that hurt me. I’ll walk you through how getting over painful words that people can say to you is possible and how you can use the experience to feel stronger.
This of course is just one example of how people can react to hearing harsh words about them. You may have reacted in a different way, however what I wanted to share most is that it’s possible to create a disempowering belief from hearing painful words that people say about you.
The sooner you catch that dis-empowering belief, the sooner you can de-construct it and create a more helpful belief that serves you.
“Kev’s Coaching Doesn’t Work”
I remember some years back hearing the words “Kev’s coaching doesn’t work!”. At the time of hearing those words I didn’t think much about what was said. Thinking back, I thought I had dismissed it – but I hadn’t. Subconsciously those words remained with me for years.
It wasn’t until a coaching session with my coach sometime later that I realised that these words had been holding me back. I discovered that I had given meaning to those words without me realising it. I had constructed a belief from those words that at if anytime anything went wrong in my coaching business it was because “Kev’s coaching doesn’t work”.
Thinking back, what hurt most about those words was that they were said by a friend that I respected. Perhaps this is why I had an attachment to those words and had subsequently created a belief from them?
In the coaching session with my coach through a conversation about something completely different, these words appeared in my mind. We explored them immediately!
With help from my coach I was able to de-construct the dis-empowering belief that I had created and then create and associate a new empowering belief to those words.
The mind is a wonderful place. We create dreams in the mind. It’s where we experience our thoughts.
However, the mind can also be a crazy place!
When we attach meaning to the thoughts we have and create a belief – this belief can imprison us, or it can set us free.
In my case the belief that I created from the thought “Kev’s coaching doesn’t work” is that anytime I had a setback in business, I heard those words again in my mind. That made the belief real and thus re-enforced the fact that the belief was true.
In business we can experience setbacks, and I did, and of course I heard those words again and again.
Boy, that belief held me back!
I was ‘playing small’, I was not connecting with people and I wasn’t showing up fully in my business.
De-constructing a Dis-empowering Belief
In my case, after realising the impact of my dis-empowering belief, I was totally ready to de-construct it!
Replaying the original conversation from years ago, in my mind again and again was the first step to de-construct my belief. However, rather that hearing and experiencing the conversation as me – the ‘experiencer’ (like I had done so many times before), I experienced the conversation as an observer. I imagined that I was there years ago, but observing the conversation rather than being in the conversation. In fact, I replayed the conversation again and again as an observer from different positions.
What I discovered was very interesting…
As an observer I had no attachment to the words that I heard. I was able to rewind the conversation and replay it. I was able to look into the mind of the person who said those words and try to find out what could have been going on for him at that time.
This helped me to create many different perspectives of the original conversation.
Experiencing a conversation through the eyes of an observer can be enlightening. I was able to take away a different meaning from the conversation. I found that it helped me to provide a more objective view on the words said and why they were said.
Creating an Empowering Belief
This new perspective helped me to create my new empowering belief. It helped me to appreciate that the person who said those words back then was not it a good place. He was under a lot of pressure. He was reacting to something that some-else had said. But, most importantly for me was discovering that he was not speaking these words from his heart.
I think most of us know instinctively when someone talks from their heart. The words spoken are sincere, they’re not fake. You can see the sincerity in their eyes. Thus, the words that I heard back then were fake and lacked meaning.
Also, applying logic to my old belief helped as this person had never experienced being coached by me, nor knew any of my clients. So, my original belief of “Kev’s coaching doesn’t work” just didn’t make sense any more.
In the end I don’t suppose I’ll ever truly know why he said what he did. But for me, that’s no longer important.
The experience helped me to appreciate the power of the words that we hear and the importance of attaching empowering meanings to them.
Now when I think of those words, I smile – as I know differently, I think differently.
My mindset is different now. I use those words to help me to serve my clients even more than I did before. That’s all that matters to me.
Have you experienced hearing harsh words or reading nasty comments about you?
Well if so, I hope my story resonates with you and helps you to find a new meaning to what you experienced.
In my case the words I heard came from a friend, however you may have heard harsh words from someone that you don’t know – perhaps when on social media.
Unfortunately, there are ‘Social Media Trolls’ on the internet who seem to take pleasure in writing hurtful comments about people. If you’ve received comments from one of these people, you’ll know its not a pleasant experience. You might be interested in reading this helpful article: “Social Media Trolls: A Practical Guide for Dealing With Impossible People” written by Todd Clarke.
In either case it’s important to remember that it’s possible to change the thought, meaning and dis-empowering belief that you may have attached to those hurtful words. Take your time to look for ways to de-construct the dis-empowering belief, perhaps by looking at the conversation or words from a different perspective and/or by applying logic to the words heard.
Thank you for reading this.
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